Sunday, March 15, 2015

I love you, I miss you and I am sorry

A friend asked me, "What 9 words are used a lot but when stringed together in one sentence is rarely spoken?". That one sentence is, "I love you, I miss you and I am sorry".

I said that sentence recently... when my grandmother passed away.

I knew I loved her dearly. When I was in Australia I have always missed her. Some days when I was struggling with coursework or health problems I would reach out to my phone and want to give her a call. I wanted to say, "Popo (I call my grandmother popo), I love you and I miss you". Then I will continue to tell her about my life in Australia but I never did....I never made those phone calls.

I did Skype her once or twice during her birthday and sometimes when my sister was over during weekends but that was it. As usual, I used my busy and stressful schedule as an excuse.

During her last days when she was struggling to stay alive while fighting cancer I cried very often. That is when I said it the most, "I love you, I miss you and I am sorry".

I said in between my sobs while I am alone, "I love you popo, can you not leave me? I miss you (her healthy self) and I am sorry".

The "I am sorry" part hurts the most.

"I am sorry I did not spend enough time with you. I am sorry I used my busy schedule as an excuse to not see you enough. I am sorry I had time to spend with my friends but not you. I am sorry, I am so very sorry. Can you give me another chance to replace lost time?".

Obviously, the answer was no.

The days leading up to her death was so painful....

The first two weeks into my job, day by day, she was slowly loosing her battle and every time I stopped by to see her after work....she became skinnier, her consciousness started to fade and up until the day before her death she did not even open her eyes to see me.

I saw it coming, we saw it coming but it still hurts.

That morning....I thought to myself, "Maybe not today, Amy. Maybe popo will leave tomorrow. You can still see her one more time after work".

Then my mum sent me a text on Whatsapp, "Amy, popo is no longer with us".

It was the worse feeling ever.

Until today, I still whisper this sentence in my heart, "I love you, I miss you and I am sorry".

Sometimes I still imagine what if, what if popo was still around then she will attend my convocation in April, we will spend lots of time together, she will be smiling at my wedding and take care of her grandchildren.

We learn from all experiences. Loosing my grandmother taught me that in life, we often neglect the people closest to us. Some people, we spend most of our time with but could not care less about us but then we have the people who love us whom we take for granted.

Family is the most important thing in our lives, you may not understand it but for me, I never want to say these words in the same sentence anymore. Never again do I want to be in a situation that will have me saying, "I love you, I miss you and I am sorry" to someone dear to me.

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