What you do does not define who you are, doing what you do best with your heart makes you more than who you are. -Amy Lim

Sunday, March 15, 2015

I love you, I miss you and I am sorry

A friend asked me, "What 9 words are used a lot but when stringed together in one sentence is rarely spoken?". That one sentence is, "I love you, I miss you and I am sorry".

I said that sentence recently... when my grandmother passed away.

I knew I loved her dearly. When I was in Australia I have always missed her. Some days when I was struggling with coursework or health problems I would reach out to my phone and want to give her a call. I wanted to say, "Popo (I call my grandmother popo), I love you and I miss you". Then I will continue to tell her about my life in Australia but I never did....I never made those phone calls.

I did Skype her once or twice during her birthday and sometimes when my sister was over during weekends but that was it. As usual, I used my busy and stressful schedule as an excuse.

During her last days when she was struggling to stay alive while fighting cancer I cried very often. That is when I said it the most, "I love you, I miss you and I am sorry".

I said in between my sobs while I am alone, "I love you popo, can you not leave me? I miss you (her healthy self) and I am sorry".

The "I am sorry" part hurts the most.

"I am sorry I did not spend enough time with you. I am sorry I used my busy schedule as an excuse to not see you enough. I am sorry I had time to spend with my friends but not you. I am sorry, I am so very sorry. Can you give me another chance to replace lost time?".

Obviously, the answer was no.

The days leading up to her death was so painful....

The first two weeks into my job, day by day, she was slowly loosing her battle and every time I stopped by to see her after work....she became skinnier, her consciousness started to fade and up until the day before her death she did not even open her eyes to see me.

I saw it coming, we saw it coming but it still hurts.

That morning....I thought to myself, "Maybe not today, Amy. Maybe popo will leave tomorrow. You can still see her one more time after work".

Then my mum sent me a text on Whatsapp, "Amy, popo is no longer with us".

It was the worse feeling ever.

Until today, I still whisper this sentence in my heart, "I love you, I miss you and I am sorry".

Sometimes I still imagine what if, what if popo was still around then she will attend my convocation in April, we will spend lots of time together, she will be smiling at my wedding and take care of her grandchildren.

We learn from all experiences. Loosing my grandmother taught me that in life, we often neglect the people closest to us. Some people, we spend most of our time with but could not care less about us but then we have the people who love us whom we take for granted.

Family is the most important thing in our lives, you may not understand it but for me, I never want to say these words in the same sentence anymore. Never again do I want to be in a situation that will have me saying, "I love you, I miss you and I am sorry" to someone dear to me.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Ask me about year 2014

Happy new year 2015!

As usual I will complete an annual, "Ask me about the year" fact sheet. So, here goes.

Ask me about year 2014

1. What did you do in year 2014 that you'd never done before?

I went abroad to Australia and studied there for a whole year by myself. I guess that includes, staying on my own, house hopping on my own, managing bills on my own and a lot more things on my own.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did have new year's resolutions set up for year 2014 but I cannot remember it (this is why I never make new year's resolutions). So, I guess I did not keep it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not yet but I sure do hope it's soon. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no and hopefully, not this year either. 

5. What countries did you visit?

I went to Melbourne, Australia for a year and in between visited Sydney, Australia as well. In addition, my family and I went to Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto in Japan for holiday.

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

I would like to have improved health, mindfulness and inner strength. 

7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

9th December 2014 - I obtained my final semester results and is officially a graduated from Monash University, Australia. 

31st July 2014 - The night I had a panic attack due to high fever and dehydration. It was traumatic and my mum took the next flight over to see me, which I think is the most touching thing ever and it showed me how unconditional a mother's love is for her children.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

If I were to choose between winning Microsoft Protege 2014, Australia (a national level competition competing amongst Australians) and graduating.......GRADUATING.

9. What was your biggest failure?

If I were to choose between my health problems and not spending enough time with my family....not spending enough time with family.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes, I did suffer illness. I have (am still having) acid reflux problems and gastric.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Definitely the couple rings I bought from Tokyo Disney Sea for my boyfriend and I because both of us love Disney very much (our bucket list is to visit every Disney theme park in the world). Also, a tuna sushi strap from Japan as a Christmas gift for a friend because it was so funny and spot on according to his vision board it was almost, genius on my side (haha yes self-praise, don't mind me).

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

I wouldn't say behaviour but rather character. My landlord (not the first one, the second one) named Toan has one of the most pure and kind heart I have ever encountered. His intentions are so good willed and his attitude is so pleasant it was almost impossible to believe such a person existed. He made my experience in Australia a really good one and I am very grateful for that.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

There were two people who made me rather disappointed. One was a close friend, which I am not sure if I can consider close anymore but he was rather....disappointing as a friend. Then again, I am not someone who holds onto broken plates so let the bygone be bygones. The other person is my first landlord, she made my experience in Australia a living nightmare and I am so glad I moved out of that place. Who hurt more? At this moment, none of them because those who do not give a damn (mind my language) about me does not deserve my attention or time. As Richard and Alex always advised me, "Let it go is the best solution".

14. Where did most of your money go?

The later half of our Japan trip but it was money well spent. My accidental Christmas gift for the family hahah (but now I really have to replenish my savings account and find myself a decent job).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Same as last year, DISNEYLAND (or to be precise, Tokyo Disney Sea).

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?

Hero by Mariah Carey.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner of fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Am definitely fatter and poorer in health but not in wealth, which is sadder.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Seeing my grandmother more often when I had the time to do so.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Focusing my time and energy on people who did not matter.

20. How did you spend your Christmas?

With the people I love in a foreign country (family trip in Japan).

21. Did you fall in love in 2014?

Yes, I did again and again since 21st July 2011.

22. What was your favourite TV program?

Big bang theory (but it's starting to loose its appeal)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I did, then I let it go. So no, no hate. Instead of spending energy to hate I am channeling that amount of focus to love the people that deserves my love.

24. What was the best book you read?

Nothing in particular. All were kind of normal.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Sadly, none. The industry is going down hill.

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted to graduate and I did through my own hard work and effort.

27. What did you want and not get?

I wanted to score Distinction for one of my subject and didn't. Also due to my own doing, so nothing to feel bad about here.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?


29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Every time I came home after being away for so long (The home cooked food, the love from my parents, the laughs I shared with them and the cuddles I got from my boyfriend).

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

Comfortable clothing.

31. What kept you sane?


32. Which celebrity/ public figure did you fancy the most?

Gui gui, Aaron Yan & Michelle Phan (but all kind of so so now)

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

MH370/MH17, not really political but it was national tragedies that made me really sad.

34. Who did you miss?

My family and boyfriend but not anymore because I'm back.

35. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2014.

I learned that strength is all you need to find when the going gets tough and the tough always gets going but sometimes, it goes away really slowly and the journey is excruciating but you just need to find strength and persevere. Also, family is the most important thing you need to focus on in life. Nothing else really matters.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on, and you cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive. So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong, and you'll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you.

Cheers 2014, welcome 2015! :-)